Well my little 3 year old inside started saying ummm why and , howcome? Well why Daddy what are we going to do? My brain started spinning with all the maybes and possibilities of what His reasons were.
I told MJ I felt I was suppose to stay home and I would watch Ms. Moo. I know that was a blessing to her but still wasnt sure that was the reason so I continued to ask questions. I got no answers lol imagine that.
I spent the weekend in my pjs and just really well kind of in a funk and wasnt sure why. Couldnt get the energy to do much. After hours of messing with my computer and having a friend help me fix it I was really spent by then.
I realized at this point that things hadnt really gone the way that MJ thought it was going there and that they werent doing much different than me, taking it easy and resting. I knew I wasnt missing out on anything big other than the just being there with em so what was this funky feeling. I knew I was missing my kids but know I am going to see them next weekend and we have a weekend full of fun planned so couldnt be that.
Last Sunday I got news that my best friends son was in an accident and had broken his neck. The week has not been full of good reports and I have weeped tears with my friend. So I knew that this had been a stresser on me physically and so I am sure the rest was what I needed. I went to my friend Nadja's last night to celebrate her birthday. I ordered a pizza, the first call I made was the wrong Exxon, however I proceeded to be irritated not undersrtanding why this kid didnt know they made pizza there and then realized I had the wrong number. Well I recognized anger in me and just a build up of anxiety. I am like what is the deal, I am happy where I live, happy with my job, happy with the ministry...Yes I miss my kids but thats not the deal. My kids are at that age that no matter where I am I will end up missing them(empty Nest).
I get to Nadja's and I sit at her table and begin to jabber and jabber about my friends son, but ended up kept going back to my kids friend Logan. Logan was my kids best friend and was killed by a train in April of this year. Now we are 7 months down the road and hit with another tradgedy ivolving a young kid. A week before Logan was killed another young man was killed in an accident that hit close to home for some of my loved ones. As I sit and cried and talk this through I realize I have spent the last 7 monhths living in fear. Not a concious fear but an underlying evil foreboding; THE FEAR OF WHAT IF....
Proverbs 15:15, which says, “All the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances]” (AMP).
If this could happen to those around me then What if this happens to my kids. What if I have to be the momma who's heart was ripping apart who took every effort they had just to breathe.
I know this is one of the reasons God had me stay home. I am a child of the Most High God. I am not a desponding or afflicted I am one with a glad heart.
2 Timothy 1:7 says God did not give me a spirit of fear but of LOVE AND A SOUND MIND.
I knew I wasnt trying to think on these things but it was there, but it has no right to stay. I have a sound mind. I have the love of God that can help me through to the other side of this. I know that there is no way that I am the only one who has experienced this.
Psalm 30:11New Living Translation (NLT)
11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
So the needing to know the Why's and the howcomes and the whens and where is really the What ifs in our life. Its the fear of not knowing and not having control over your life and those things and people in your life that affect you.
So today lets chose to take on the Heart of Joy and bask in His love. Let him take the mourning and turn it into joyful dancing...
Cowgirl n up with Him